A full day of tailgating at the front door to Kinnick Stadium watching the Iowa Hawkeyes come from the largest come from behind victory in their history.
My sister and husband had gone to the game leaving Makiah and I in charge of the big screen tv and the small gathering of people watching the game on the side of their brand new Winnebago View motor home.
Makiah would rather be ON the field Playing than watching....so during most the game we played catch in the parking lot. It ended up everyone wanted to play with him as they thought he was amazing. With some coaching from an expert his throwing improved to WOW level. He felt good about being the new Ricky Stanzi on campus.
After the game we walked about three or four miles to pick up my car....he did a great job with the walk. Then drove to Marion to deliver him to his brother Nick, for a night of playing and bonding.
I returned to Mount Vernon to take a shower and prepare myself for the night. The World's Most Amazing Mom was HOME and we had a dialogue. She felt that I really needed sleep. She thought I looked distraught. She offered some sleeping pills and I settled for a short back message. She left. I rested for a couple minutes. Then got up full of energy and took a shower and prepared myself for another night of 'whatever' meditation. I headed over to Allie Chapel on the Cornell College Campus. I put down my pendleton blanket, lite a candle and started to listen to the silence. Quickly, I was told to give up life and death. I was feeling complete about life. I had everything and MORE, everything and TOO MUCH. I began RELEASING everything about life and death. I started to get antsy. I couldn't sit...I started wanting to commit suicide. I starting crying hysterically. I didn't have any real desire to live anymore. I didn't want to live life without MY BELOVED. I meditated between my crying attacks on any addictions or sickness attached to my relationships. Nothing. I was cleared to proceed with my ultimate vision of suicide. Paradise Utopia.
Makiah was born at HOME. I delivered him from his wildly screaming MOM early morning June 22 1999 after a wonderful evening drumming meditation at Palisades Park outside Mount Vernon. First responders and the ambulance arrived in time to hurry the three of us to Mercy Hospital in Iowa City. Where baby Makiah was rushed to University Hospitals while exhausted MOM was told..."your discharged NOW"
We followed shortly to find our new child in intensive care unit full of wires and tubes. MOM checked herself into the hospital for a couple days of needed rest. Because of acute aortic stenosis a heart operation followed.....and since that first day he returned HOME, he slept between MOM and DAD...not just for a month or two til he could sleep in his crib but years and years followed of Makiah sleeping between US...til the last years when Tia, MOM's ugly untrained boxer took my place in the bed and I slept alone upstairs.
For some reason I had been imprinted with my Paradise Utopia vision of the THREE of us cuddled together in the warm love of that blissful FAMILY bond. We were BLESSED. Despite ALL the dysfunction. I just wanted to escape from being homeless and return to that perfect blissful way of being a FAMILY unit...hugging my two BELOVED LOVES....and falling peacefully to my death full sleep. I cried and sobbed as I felt the experience unfolding. I knew that if I could meditate complete WAKEFULNESS by a simple desire, that the act of 'disconnecting' or death would be so simple. I was anxious to go HOME. I put on my sweat shirt and jacket and started walking quickly home to my eternal sleep.
I drew a simple line drawing titled, Paradise Utopia ....and three simple line drawings of MOM...MAKIAH...DAD. Then got into my lovely large soft warm bed and said "GOOD-BYE" to this world and everyTHING in it.
..................................................................... I WOKE UP! AGAIN!!! After a couple of hours of sleep, the first sleep in nine days..... I was wide awake, and completely dumbfounded.
